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The two fleas were just leaving the theater when the male flea turned to the female flea and said: `Shall we walk, or take a dog?'
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- What do you call a crocodile at the North pole?
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- A return ticket, please. - Where to sir? - Back here, please.
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| Masochist: - Hit me! Sadist: - No. |
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LH741:"Tower, give me a rough time check!" Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
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Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR! |
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Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival. Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice... |
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Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16." Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Wien Tower." Pilot: (short break) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker." Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!" Pilot: (short break again) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?" Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna! Pilot: (once again short break) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!" Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava." |
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Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck." Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck." |
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Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your call sign !" Pilot: "I'm not silly..." |
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Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots." Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible." Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots." |
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Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up." Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?" Pilot: "To Leipzig, like every Monday." Tower: "But today is Tuesday!" Pilot: "WHAT? But Tuesday we are off !" |
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Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?" Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot." |
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Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading." Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..." (Anm.: 3WILCOJ=Will continue) |
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Tower: "Lufthansa 893, number one, check car on the runway." Pilot: "Roger. We'll check the car on the runway." |
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Tower: "Delta Romeo Zulu, confirm you are inbound to Sulz NDB?" Pilot: "Affirm, but we don't receive it." |
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Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain." Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100." Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain." Pilot: "But four plus six is ten, isn't it?" Tower: "You should climb, not add up." |
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Tower: "Flamingo 019, do you have a "Springbock" in sight, twelve
o'clock five miles crossing from left to right ?" Pilot: "If you mean a 737...?" Tower: "Yeah, you got it, you got it !" |
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Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you." Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne." |
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Munchen II Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off." Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed." Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? " Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801." Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off." |
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Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles! Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches! |
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Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems? Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass. Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel! |
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Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please. Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours. Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay? Tower: Affirmative. Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning! |
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Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard. D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog. Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ? |
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Pilot: F LX 30, we just have a few gallons of fuel. Tower: Please give us your position, we don't see you at the radar! Pilot: We are standing at runway 2 and want to know, when the fuel truck will come! |
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Tower: "Height and position?" Pilot: "I am 1,80 m and I'm sitting left in front!" |
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Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back. GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil. |
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Tower: "Cannot read you, say again!" Pilot: "Again!" |
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The chief of United States naval operations has released the following transcript of a radio conversation between a US Navy 062 ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. US ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Canadian reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. US ship: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course! US ship: This is the aircraft carrier USS Missouri; we are a large warship of the US Navy. Divert your course now!! Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. |
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Here are some actual maintenance complaints ("Squawks") submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough (S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid, (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground (P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for (P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search (P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious (P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
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Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Are you the doctor who performed the autopsy?" A: "Yes." Q: "Are you sure this person is dead?" A: "Well, his brain is in a jar but for all I know he could be walking around practicing law."
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