Black-Sea Anecdotes

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BLACK-SEA ANECDOTES

by

Ibrahim OKUR

THE GRASSHOPPER'S LEG

Prof.Temel trained a grasshopper, and when he told it to jump, it jumped. One day Professor Temel decided to do an experiment. First of all, he pulled off the grasshopper's first leg and told it to jump. The grasshopper jumped but it could not jump as high as before. Then Temel wrote something down in his notebook. Professor Temel pulled off the second leg and told it to jump again. The grasshopper jumped again but it could not jump as high as before. The professor wrote something down in his notebook again and pulled off the third leg and told it to jump again. It could barely jump and Temel wrote something down in his notebook. Finally he pulled off its last leg and told it to jump, but it did not jump and Temel thought a little while and made a note on his notebook: "As you pull off the legs of a grasshopper, it becomes progressively deafer".

THE TICKET CLERK

One day, Temel went to the train station very early and went up to the ticket window and said to the man in the ticket office: "Give me a ticket please". The clerk was very busy because he was reading a newspaper and he told Temel to get in line without looking up. Temel turned around but nobody was there and he said to him again "a ticket please". The clerk told Temel again to get in line. Temel was confused but turned around again and he still could not see anybody and he asked the clerk, rather embrassed this time: "a ticket please". The clerk said to Temel without moving his head: "I told you to get in line". Well then Temel was very angry and he hit the clerk. The clerk was bewildered and said "who hit me". Temel said: "How do I know who hit you in this crowded place"

ONE MORE CHANCE

Temel's son, whose name is Ali, failed a mathematics test. Temel went to the school and spoke to his teacher, thus:
- "We have a large family, and if our relatives hear of this failure, we will be put to shame! You'd better give my son another chance!
- "Alright! Come to Avni Aker stadium on 23th April 1994 at 8 pm"
replied the teacher. And on the above date the teacher went to stadium. But he was confused because it was crowded. All the places were taken. And the teacher said to Ali:
-"Tell me what is the answer if we add five and five"
Ali replied:
-"Ten sir!"
Immediately after this reply, a sound came from stadium;
-"Give him one more chance, give him one more chance".

A BANANA SKIN

One day, while walking along the street, Temel saw a banana skin and he grumbled to himself:
-"We will fall down again as we did yesterday".

REMEMBER

A French-man, an English-man and Temel who were spies were arrested by Interpol. After one week of torture, the French spy told everything he knew. Then, after one month's torture the English spy told everyting he knew too. But the staff of Interpol did not manage to get any information whatsoever from Temel. After they had tried every known method of torture, even the latest ones, they still failed to make him talk. So they put him a prison and they also put a camera into the place so that they could see him. After six months, one night, they saw an interesting sight on screen. Temel was hitting his head against the wall continously and mumbling to himself:
-"Remember my stupid head, remember! You are getting a thrashing for nothing".

I MADE IT UP

Temel attended a riddle contest in Zurich. Whatever the questionner asked, Temel could not answer and he was ashamed. And then Temel asked a riddle of both the questionner and the other competitors:
-"It is in cage, it is hanged, its color is yellow and it sings loudly!"
The other competitors made the following suggestions:
-"It is a canary"
-"No!"
-"It is a blackbird"
-"No!"
-"It is a lovebird"
-"No!"
-"It is a goldfinch"
-"No!"
All of the people were puzzled by this question. Then Temel gave them the right answer:
-"It is Hamsi*"
The crowded was just as puzzled and asked:
-"How could it be in coop?"
-"I put it there!"
-"How could it be hanged?"
-"I hanged it!"
-"How could it be yellow?"
-"I painted it"
-"And finally, how could it sing loudly?"
-"I made that part up. That part is the convincing part!"

* Hamsi (anchovy) is a little fish which lives in the Black Sea, It is gray.

THE SHEEP DOG

One day, Temel went to Erzurum. When he was walking over some uncultivated land, he saw a shepherd and approached the herdsman and said:
-"If I can guess the true number of your herd, will you give me one of them?"
The herdsman was puzzled but he thought: "This man does not know how many are in my flock" and said: "Alright!". Temel replied:
-"8,762"
The herdsman was bewildered and thought, "how did he know this?". So, he said to Temel:
-"Right, choose one of them!"
Temel chose a sheep and immediately after, the herdsman told him:
-"If I can guess where you are from, will you give it back? If I cannot guess, you can take one more!"
Temel said:
-"Okay!"
The herdsman carried on:
-"You are from Black-Sea!"
This time Temel bewildered and said:
-"How did you know?"
And the herdsman replied:
-"No one would take the sheep dog from the herd except someone from Black-Sea!".

IT IS NOT NECESSARY

One day, Temel and Idris were walking along the beach in Trabzon. At that moment a tourist approached them and asked directions from Temel in English. But Temel did not understand anything. Then the tourist asked the same question in French but again Temel did not understand anything. Finally the tourist asked the same question in German but still Temel did not understand anything. The tourist went on his way. Idris said to Temel:
-"It is very important to speak a foreign language!"
And Temel replied:
-"No, absolutely not. Look, although the tourist spoke three languages, did he tell us his problem!"

I WILL DO IT

One day Temel said:
-"I can go and come back from Germany by car within 3 days!"
The crowd replied:
-"It is not possible"
So, Temel prepared to go from Trabzon to Germany (Trabzon-Germany ~ 3,000kms). One day later Temel phoned his friend and said:
-"I am in Germany and I am coming back"
The crowd waited for Temel but 2 days later Temel had not appeared. One week later Temel came back and the crowd learnt why Temel was late. He said:
-"It was very difficult to drive the car backwards"

THAT IS TEMEL BUT...

One day, during the chat at the cafe, Temel said:
-"Everybody recognizes me, even Mr.Yeltsin!"
Somebody from the crowd said:
-"That is not possible!"
And then Temel replied:
-"If you do not believe me, let's go to Russia and see..."
Therefore, Temel's friends collected enough money to send him to Russia with a witness. Immediately after landing in Moscow, the witness was puzzled because Mr.Yeltsin was waiting for Temel. Temel and Mr.Yeltsin talked for a little while. Temel and the witness were entertained with honour and respect. One day later both of them returned to Turkey, and at the same cafe, Temel said:
-"Mr.Clinton knows me!"
-"It is not possible"
the crowd replied. Temel said again:
-"If you do not believe me, let's go to America and see..."
So, Temel's friend collected enough money to send him to America again with a witness. Immediately after landing in New York, the second witness was also puzzled because Mr.Clinton was waiting for Temel. Temel and Mr.Clinton talked a little while. Temel and the second witness were entertained with honour and respect. One day later both of them returned to Turkey. And at the same cafe, Temel said:
-"The Pope knows me!"
Immediately, a voice came from crowd:
-"Oh really!"
Temel said again:
-"If you do not believe me, let's go to the Vatican and see..."
So, Temel's friends collected enough money to send him to the Vatican with a third witness. That day The Pope was speaking to the crowds from a high place. Temel went there and went up to him. As soon as the Pope saw Temel, he took him in his arms and embrace him.
At that moment the third witness fainted. Temel went to him and said:
-"What happened?"
The third witness replied:
-"There were two Japenese people in front of me and they were chatting. One of them said to the other:
-"That is Temel but I do not recognize the other person who he is speaking to"

THE MIDWIFE'S RING

Temel, who was a thief, stole a handbag from a woman. But immediately afterwards he realised that the woman had stolen it back. He decided to talk to her about this. He thought:
-"She might be a good thief too"
Then he proposed to her:
-"Would you like to marry me?"
-"Let me think"
the woman replied.
Within one month they got married and later the woman became pregnant and 9 months later, in hospital after the delivery, the midwife saw that one of the baby's hand was clasped shut. They were not able to open his hand. Afterwards Temel and his wife went their home and the baby opened his hand. They saw an amazing thing: The baby was holding the ring which belonged to the midwife.

GOING TO THE SUN

Temel and Idris went to the White House to see Bill Clinton to make an important suggestion. Although the police wanted to block their way, they succeeded in reaching Mr.Clinton. Bill Clinton was bewildered by this commotion and asked:
-"What is the matter?"
Then Temel replied:
-"We have got an idea but we want your support!"
-"What is your idea?"
-"First of all you must agree to give us your support"
-"I do not know anything about your idea. How can I support you?"
-"It is not important. Promise us! Rely on us!"
-"Alright! Say! What is your idea?"
-"We are going to the sun!"
-What?"
-"We will go to the sun if you give us the necessary money and a spaceship!"
-"It is not possible to go there!"
-"But we have got an idea. We will go there at night!"

THE WRONG WAY

One day, Temel went to England and bought a car. Because of the inverted traffic system, i.e.driving on the left, he was confused but he carried on.
On the motorway he drove on the wrong side and he thought that there was something strange. The English Traffic Police realised something was wrong and went to the area by helicopter and warned the all drivers about Temel like this:
-"There is a driver going wrong way, be careful!"
Temel, at this moment, put his head out of the window and said:
-"Not just one car! No, all the cars are going the wrong way!"

TO FEEL LIKE A SNAKE

(At the beach) Temel was walking along the beach when suddenly he heard a scream coming from the sea:
-"Help! Help!"
There were lots of people there and although Temel could swim, he did not help the man. Because nobody helped the drowning person, he drowned. People were puzzled because the best swimmer was Temel and they asked him:
-"Why did not you help him?"
and Temel replied:
-"I thought about the proverb!"
-"Which one?"
the crowd replied and then Temel said:
-"If people fall into sea they embrace the snake. If I had helped him I would have felt myself to be like a snake!"

A PAIN IN THE FINGER

Temel went to doctor to complain about pain in some parts of his body and said:
-"Sir, when I touch my back in the kidney area with my finger, I feel a pain."
and the doctor replied:
-"What about your heart!"
-"Let me try! Yes!"
-"What about your head?"
-"Same again!"
-What about your leg?"
-"Here, there is a pain there as well"
-"Hmm, I see, you have a pain in your finger!"

SOLICITOR TEMEL

One day, Idris went to solicitor Temel to get advice and said:
-"Sir, if someone's dog enters your garden and causes some damage, can you be compensated for this damage by the owner of the dog?"
-"Precisely, yes!"
Temel replied. And Idris carried on:
-"So, you must pay me Ł50 because your dog did some damage in my garden."
-"Okay! No problem at all. But you are the debtor, you must pay me Ł50 because the fee for consultancy is Ł100".

THE WRONG CLIENT

One day, Temel went to America and stayed in the Washington Hilton. He had to stay in a room with two beds and his roommate was a blackman. He asked the chambermaid to wake him up early in the morning. When he went to his room, he grumbled like this:
-"What a dark blackman!"
Because the blackman heard this grumblimg and understood its meaning, in the night, he painted Temel's face black. Early in the morning, the chambermaid came to their room and told Temel to wake up. Temel woke up and looked in the mirror and grumbled:
-"Stupid servant, he woke the wrong client up!"

SALT SPRINKLING

Temel and Idris decided to sprinkle salt on their arable field. So, they sprinkled the salt on the field and watered it. Although three months elapsed, there was no sign of any green shoots on surveying the field. Therefore, they thought about this and suggested the cause of this problem:
-"I think an animal is eating our crop"
Temel said. Then both of them began to guess at which enemy was eating the crop. In the end Temel found the answer:
-"It must be a fly!"
So, Temel and Idris began to kill the flies with a gun. At this moment a fly landed on Idris' forehead and Idris signed to Temel silently with his hand:
-"Fiyuvvv!"
Then Temel realised the situation and fired at Idris' forehead and managed to kill it, then said angrily:
-"One to you, one to us!"

HAVE YOU SEEN

One day, Temel and Idris were walking along the street. Idris said to Temel:
-"Did you see?"
-"What?"
-"What we passed, I meant the new model car!"
-"....!"
A little time later, again, Idris said:
-"Did you see?"
"What?"
-"What we passed, I meant the skyscraper!"
-"....!"
Ten minutes later, Idris said again:
-"Did you see?"
-"What?"
-"We passed, I meant the beautiful girls!"
-"....?!"
And finally fifteen minutes later Idris said again:
-"Did you see, did you see?"
-"Yes I saw!!"
Idris replied:
-"If you were looking-why did you step in the shit.!"

THE STATUE OF LIBERTY

Idris and Temel took part in a long distance swim from Liverpool to New York. When they were only 20 miles from New York, close to the Statue of Liberty, Temel said to Idris:
-"I am tired. I have decided to go back."

THE CLAIM

Temel said: -"I can nail a 10 inch steel pin into the wall with my head!"
and the crowd replied:
-"Not possible!"
then Temel said:
-"If you do not believe me, look!"
So, Temel began to nail the steel pin into the wall with his head and some time later, half-way through, it would not go any further. The crowd made fun of this failure but Temel, angrily, said:
-Go to other side of this wall. I believe that there must be another Laz in there!"
The crowd went to the other side and saw that there was a man who was sleeping there with his head against the wall where the nail should have come through.

TEMEL AND THE SCIENTIST

Temel and a scientist were talking about things in general. Then, the scientist asked Temel:
-"Do you know anything about Maths?"
-"No!"
Temel replied. Then scientist carried on:
-"Twenty percent of your life is over!"
Then the scientist asked another question:
-"Do you know anything about Physics?"
-"No!"
-"Fifty per cent of your life is over!"
-"....?!"
Some time later both of them went to sea for a short trip. The scientist did not know how to swim. An hour later a strong wind blew up and Temel said:
-"Do you know how to swim?"
-"No!!"
-"A hundred per cent of your life is over!"

THE WRONG SEAT

One day, Temel was going to Trabzon by plane but he sat in the wrong place and the hostess asked him to change his seat and to go to the correct seat. But he was very stubborn and he refused to stand up and move. Nobody managed to move him from his seat. In the end the pilot asked the passengers if they knew how to solve this problem. Then, a person from Trabzon came to Temel and said something to him. Temel stood up and went to the correct seat. Nobody understood what this person had said to him to make him move. The pilots were bewildered and asked him what he had said and the person replied:
-"I told him that the first seat would not go to Trabzon!"

AGAIN AND AGAIN...

One day, the most popular comedian in the theatre told the audience a joke and everybody burst out laughing except one-Temel. Then, when the comedian saw someone was not laughing he decided to ask him why and Temel replied:
-"I could not understand anything"
So, the joker (comedian) told the joke again and all the audience, although it was the second time, burst out of laughing but Temel did not. The performer asked Temel the reason why he did not laugh and he said again:
-"I could not understand anything"
The comedian explained the situation and told the joke a third time but this time the crowd laughed a little bit less, and Temel did not laugh. This process was repeated six times and in the end nobody laughed except Temel, so comedian was bewildered and asked:
-"You understood the joke, did you?"
-"No, I still could not understand the joke. I am laughing about my stupidity in not understanding the joke"

THE HORSE

One day, Temel was relaxing in the countryside with his horse. Temel prepared his lunch and while he was doing so, the horse ate his meal. At this point Temel realised what had happened and asked the horse angrily:
-"Did you eat my meal!"
The horse raised and lowered its head as a reflex but Temel understand this behaviour as a 'Yes' reply and continued:
-"Did you kill my mother?"
and the horse went on doing this action. Temel continued:
-"My father?!"
-"My uncle?!"
then he pulled out his revolver and fired it twice and said:
-"I was wondering who had killed my parents. Go to hell!"

WHICH HAND?

Some people asked Temel:
-"How do you eat meat with a fork and a knife?"
-"...?!"
and the crowd themselves replied:
-"You hold the fork in your left hand and you hold the knife in your right hand then..."
At this point Temel inserted:
-"Oh! There is no hand remained to use to eat meat with!"

WITHOUT A DRIVER

During a bus journey Temel could not stop telling jokes and all the passengers burst out laughing but the bus driver was distracted by the noise. So, the bus driver called the co-driver and asked him to put Temel on the upper deck of the bus. When Temel sat at the front of the upper deck of the bus, however, no noise was heard below and all was quiet. The bus driver wondered what the reason was and called to the co-driver and asked him have a look to see what has happening on the upper deck. When the co-driver went upstairs he asked Temel what the reason for the silence was and Temel replied:
-"Sshht! Do not talk, we have been going without a driver for one hour."

THE SECOND NIGHT

In Trabzon there was a tradition that if the bride was not a virgin, the bride-groom would kill her with two shots from a revolver.
Temel got married and on the first night of the marriage everybody was waiting to see whether or not the bride was a virgin. That night the crowd did not hear any firing and thought that everything was okay. The second night, however, two shots were heard and everybody was confused. Temel came angrily out of his house and the crowd asked him the reason for this. Temel said:
-"The first night, everything was okay and she was a maiden, but the second night I perceived that she was not a virgin!"

QUITE STUPID

One day, a new teacher started teaching in a secondary school and on the first day, he asked the class:
-"How old am I?"
All the students were bewildered but Temel from the back row said:
-"You must be forty years old!"
-"Well done! How did you guess that?"
the teacher replied and Temel continued:
-"We have a half-stupid person in our town. He is 20 years old!"

FOOD FOR FREE

Temel established a new restaurant and he hung a sign in front of the restaurant:
"Eat and do not pay anything. We will get our money from your descendants!"
People who saw this sign entered the restaurant and ate a lot, but in front of the cashier's table there was a queue. When people asked Temel what the reason for their paying, he said:
-"We are getting the money which belongs to your ancestor!"

POTATOES

Three spies from England France and Turkey, whose names are John, Mitterand and Temel respectively took part in a contest. First, the English spy entered a room which had not got any furniture in it but there was a big sack hanging from the roof. And the English spy thought a little bit and got into the sack. Then the jury came in and hit the sack with some stout sticks. The English spy stayed put and five minutes later he imitated the cock and the jury stopped hitting the sack. After that, the French spy entered the room and also got into the sack. The jury came in and hit the sack with a stout stick. The french spy lasted ten minutes and then he imitated a dog and jury stopped hitting the sack. Lastly the Laz spy, whose name is Temel, entered the room. He looked everywhere but he saw just a sack and he got into it. The jury came in again and hit the sack with a thick stick and thirty minutes later Temel said:
-"Potatoes!"

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