At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

 -------------------

 Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

 -------------------

 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of

Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

 Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 ----------------------

 Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real

happiness is until I got married; and then it was too late."

 -----------------------

 After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

 -----------------------

 A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:

 "You can have mine."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

 -----------------------

 "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 -----------------------

 Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not

to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

 -------------------------

 The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget  it once.

 --------------------------

 Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he

had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how these politicians lie."

As you are receiving the-mail, it's wise to remember how easily  this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

 Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he

 decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

 Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

 When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

 DEAREST WIFE:

 JUST GOT CHECKED IN.

 EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

 P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

THE CAR THAT DOES NOT LIKE VANILLA ICE CREAM.

Ice-Cream Troubles - true story ?

 For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts...

This is a weird but true story (with a moral).

 A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner

 each night.

But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I  drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a

 new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem.

You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds:

'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"

The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store.

It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem.

 And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

 In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavour. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.

Vanilla, being the most popular flavour, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavours were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavour and get checked out.

Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem --- not the vanilla ice cream--- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapour lock.

It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavours allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapour lock to dissipate.

Moral of the story: even insane looking problems are sometimes real....

MEASURE OF TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENT

A sardarji went to US & had a meeting with Bill Clinton.

Bill: I want to show you the US advancement, come with me.

He takes him in a deep forest.

Bill: Dig the ground.

Sardarji did it.

Bill : more..more..more...

Sardarji went up to 100 feet

Bill: so now, try to search something

Sardarji: I got a wire.

Bill: you know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones.

Sardarji became frustrated. he invited Bill to india.

next year Bill had been in India

He takes Bill in forest.

Sardarji: dig it.

Bill does.

Sardar: more..more..more....

Bill goes upto almost 400 feet.

Sardarji: try to find something.

Bill tries.

Sardarji: did you get anything ?

Bill: no

Sardarji: yes, even 400 years ago we used to have WIRELESS.

Dilbert's Theorem on Salary states that engineers and scientists can

never earn as much salary as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows :

Work

----- = Power

Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:

Work

----- = Knowledge

Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Work

----- = Money

Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless

of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

 The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

 His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

 "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiancé will be put off by them."

 "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed. "Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

 The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her

 problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

 "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

 "No, you don't understand, my morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancé will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

 Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

 "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed.

 "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

 The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

 "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.

"Two words"

"And,  Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And, Sir, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience ?"

"Two words"

"And,  Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions"

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and

removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job - if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police

what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.

He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with

them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector.

"Now ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're  talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

 Two small boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Bill. What's your?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

A man was walking down the beach when he found a 
bottle. He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes 
out. The genie says that he will grant him one 
wish. 'Well, I'd like to go to Hawaii. But, I'm 
afraid of flying and I don't like the idea of 
going in a boat. So, I wish there was a bridge 
from here to Hawaii.' says the man. 
'That's impossible!' says the genie. 
'You'll have to make another wish.' 
'Ok, I want to know how to be a successful computer 
programmer.' says the man. 
'How many lanes do you want on that bridge?'
asks the genie.

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, 
and was injured. But the only permanent damage he 
suffered was the amputation of both of his ears.

As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was 
very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum 
of money from the insurance company. It was always 
his dream to own his own business, so he decided 
with all this money he had, he now had the means 
to own a business. So he went out and purchased a 
small, but expanding computer firm. But he 
realized that he had no business knowledge at all, 
so he decided that he would have to hire someone 
to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and 
interviewed each of them. The first interview went 
really well. He really liked this guy. His last 
question for this first candidate was, 'Do you 
notice anything unusual about me?' The guy said, 
'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' 
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the
first. This candidate was much better than the 
first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man 
asked the same question again, 'Do you notice 
anything unusual about me?' 
This guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears.' 
The man was really upset again, and threw this 
second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview.. The third 
candidate was even better than the second, the

best out of all of them. Almost certain that he 
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 
'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' 
The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses.' 
Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's 
quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?'

The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You
can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!'

Reaching the end of a job interview, the
Human Resources Person asked the young
Engineer fresh out of Stanford, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?" The
Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of
$100,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you
say to a
package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid
holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and
a company car leased every 2 years - say....a
red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!!
Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you
started it."